Adventure Racing & the Impact on Mental Health
We dropped our boats and ran. We had no idea what time it was and for all we knew we were already too late. We ran that 200 or so yards, legs wobbling along on the gravel, trying to push our concrete thighs into overdrive. We saw the finish arch as we started to hear the yelling “30 seconds!” I was running with every ounce of energy I had left and suddenly had to try and throw on the afterburners with nothing but fumes. That dash seemed impossible yet there we were under the arch, being congratulated. We had made it! Literally seconds shy of the 630p cutoff. I should have been elated. That type of finish is one for movies, the kind of finish people watch sports for. And it was me and my team who had done it! Not a stranger on TV. But I was too deep in the tunnel I had been following over the past 8 hours.
The course is unmarked and requires the use of a map and compass to complete the route and the checkpoints. We had run, biked, trekked and bushwhacked, biked again, paddled rapids and ran like our lives depended on it. In all ways, the race was brutal. I knew it would be. However I am currently in what I thought was incredible shape. As strong as I am, my team mates were stronger. So I spent a lot of time trailing behind them and lots of time alone. But all you can do is keep going. You pedal until you can pedal no more. Then you get off and walk. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Try not to stop. Just keep going. I did have a handful of times that I collapsed to the side of the trail, laying like a chaise on my backpack just trying to calm down. I would give myself two minutes before I forced myself to stand up and keep going. But still, I couldn’t seem to give myself any grace for this persistence. I hadn’t expected my mental demons, ones I thought I had gotten ahold of, to come for me so strongly and join me for the ride. This intense challenge, combined with my anxieties, fears, physical exhaustion, had attracted them all back and thrown me into the storm of circular thinking and self loathing that can consume me. I descended deep into criticism for everything from wishing I was stronger, to getting mad at myself for being so mad at myself.
When that race was over I couldn’t shake the thoughts off. Instead, I followed them to that dark, damp well that is depression and spent the last 3 days there. When you are in that place, it's numbing and all consuming...Down in the dark, you notice the light above you and the hands outstretched but just don’t have the strength, or desire really, to reach up and climb out.... So, Spanky crawled down there and kept me company. And Jeff sat at the edge and lovingly supported me from above. Letting me know how much he loved me. How proud he was of me. But never pushing me to “snap out of it”, he knew I would come out in my own time.
It took a text from a friend to get me to unwittingly crawl out. Kinda like a scared animal that you rescued and has been hiding under the bed, but suddenly their curiosity gets the best of them and they find themselves exploring the house. The text was just a screenshot of a horoscope about making and creating things in an unexpected collab, and she’d said it made her think of me. With such a simple text, I was reminded that I in fact had a piece that needed to be finished down in my workshop.
So, I crawled out of the well and ironically, down into my basement. I told myself, just trim it out, then you can go back to the well. But, once I trimmed it, I decided ok, go ahead and cut the frame. And so on. Little by little I gave myself a task and then proceeded to the next. I had started this commission weeks before and was on the fence about it the whole time. It was very different for me, and I had promised the commissioner that she wasn’t obliged to purchase it should she not like it. I had stressed about it ever since, wanting it to be perfect. And here I was, looking at a finished piece I was very proud of.
I went about the rest of the day, barely noticing that I was feeling lighter. And then miraculously, this morning, I awoke above ground, out of the dark well, and back to noticing the glorious sun on my face. Making and creating had brought me back to my old self. And from this vantage point, I can finally start giving myself the grace and appreciation for my performance and experience.
With that story of my struggle and looking back with clear eyes, what do I recommend for others thinking of pursuing something like this?
Train
I hike all the time, and bike here and there. And inevitably, biking is where I should have trained more. Ride the steep hills and get used to the struggle. Build up the physical and mental strength required to keep you going as the terrain and winds change. Even the easy parts don’t end up being easy, so just accept that as soon as possible. Also, it needs to be said that a race like this is pretty grassroots if you will. No one is monitoring the route ready to help you. When I asked what happened if we got hurt or lost out there, I was told it’s our responsibility to get ourselves out. No one would be coming for us. And when you are out in the mountains, with no cell service and no GPS trackers pinning your location for others, they aren’t kidding around. It really is up to you to keep yourself safe. And that is done first and for most through physical training to be up to the task in the first place.
Don’t forget your meds
I take Zoloft for anxiety and I forgot to pack it. It does wonders for me. However, Zoloft builds up in the brain and needs to be used on a consistent basis. Forgetting to pack my meds for this weekend, while not an excuse for my attitude, did not help with my mental stance. Combine the missing meds with intense PMS and I was just adding to my uphill battle. (Side note, anyone else experience terrible depression and anxiety with PMS as we get older?). And of course, meds also include Advil and Tylenol to help with all the aches and pains after the race. It’s been 5 days and I am still walking with a limp.
Communicate
I let my exhaustive thinking take me away from my team mates. I was ineffective at communicating my needs and difficulties with them. We were all in our own internal battles and dealing with the struggles in our own ways, so there was never anything vindictive happening. However if I had better communicated my mindset with my team I could have possibly stopped my mind from traveling the places it was taking me. Sometimes things just need to be stated out loud so you can free up some bandwidth in your brain.
Don’t forget to take in the views
This one is big. I have to admit, I am not a racer. I do not care about bragging rights. I do, however love to be outside. To be deep in the mountains, experiencing the awe inspiring solitude knowing that you are experiencing and witnessing beauty that needs to be earned to be seen, Not everyone gets these views. And I have a profound appreciation for that. However, when a timer is running and the race is on, it can become easy to keep the head down and just keep pushing forward. The few times I was able to peek out of my mental shit storm, was when I looked up and was blown away by my location. Being out there alone on the bike, keeping going, not letting myself stop, and realizing that I am here cause of my body and its capabilities, well, talk about a moment of pride, even if it was brief.
So, how’d we rank?
We were given 8 hours to complete the race. We finished in 7 hours and 59 minutes. Ranked 4th out of our division of 7. And gnabbed the spot of lucky 13 amongst 30 teams…! Should you be interested in something like this in your future, check out the Never Summer Adventure Race and others hosted by Rocky Mountain Adventure Series. If you’d like a real walk through of the day, you can check this highlight out.
